


Regrets

by gonefornow



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Cheating implied, Current Cake, Learning to move on, M/M, Michael's POV, Past Malum, Sad, break-ups
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 21:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3625215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonefornow/pseuds/gonefornow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael wishes he had treated Calum differently.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets

 

Using Simple Plan’s song “Never should have let you go”

 __  
  
I’m coming home to an empty room  
my head is spinning on a Sunday afternoon  
there was a time when I had it all  
I can still remember but I’m barely hanging on

 

—

A glance. A simple brush of his hand on your lower back. A possessive gesture that suggests without being obvious enough to provide solid evidence for the long-lens wielding paparazzi or the eagle-eyed fan-girls conglomerating around our [hotel](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/113017308708/malum-cake-fic#). You answer with a quick reassuring smile on your oh-so-lovely lips, glance back at him so he knows you are grateful.

You’ve always hated crowds. I hate a few things myself these days.

I don’t know what makes me angrier: that he gets to touch you like that, in the way only I was once allowed to touch you or that you respond back with so much warmth and affection, rely on him where you once relied on me. I remember the days when your eyes sparkled like that only for me, when your smiles, the real ones that lights your beautiful face from within, were mine alone. Was it so long ago?

"Mikey, it’s me and you tonight." 

Ashton’s tone is unusually light as he wraps an arm around my shoulder, fighting hard to keep away the tension whenever the three of us are now in small closed spaces like this elevator. He doesn’t have to worry; I’m too tired tonight to try to start a fight.

 _The three of us_. It [sounds strange](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/113017308708/malum-cake-fic#) because there is no ‘us’ anymore, only the two of _you,_ lost in each other and barely aware of my presence screaming from the sidelines for a little bit of your attention. 

I hate him. But not as much as I hate myself. 

_**Flashback**   
_

_So tell me what to do to make you change you’re mind_  
I wish that I could find a way to turn back time  
Cause life’s just not the same since you’ve been gone.

"Where are you going?" Your beautiful eyes are resigned, like you know what my answer will be before you even asked the question. 

"Where does it look like, Calpal? A date." There’s a quirk in my eyebrows and a curl in my lips when I turn my back on you, arranging and rearranging my hair so it looks like I’ve rolled out of bed like this. 

You exhale and I can almost feel the last vestige of hope drain out of your body. Good. You should not have these expectations. What we do is fun, [fantastic](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/113017308708/malum-cake-fic#) really. You’re a great fuck, so responsive and open when I take you, arching beautifully beneath me, vocal in your pleasure, and with that eternally tight hole between your legs I love so much. And you’re one of my best friends, maybe the one person in the world who’s known me the longest and understands me the best.

"Do you really have to?" Your voice is so small.

But as far as our sexual relationship goes, we will never be more than fuck-buddies. So I wish you would stop asking like this, never vocalizing the words but always _pleading_ with your velvet eyes, beggingme to feel what I don’t. I have never been less than honest, since that the first time I dragged you into that broom closet you’ve known exactly what this was for me. There was so much bewilderment in your pretty eyes, but you did not protest, obediently swallowed your moans when I told you stay quiet, and I _knew_ why, the explanation all too obvious in the smiles you sent my way when you thought no one else was looking. 

I run a hand through my hair one last time. “Of course, gotta throw the groupies a bone.” This is for the best for both of us. I’m not gay and the faster you accept this, the better off you will be. 

**Flashback End**

_And now every single day that I spend without you_  
getting through the night is the hardest thing to do  
since you walked away

I burst out laughing in the elevator. How could I have known back then how right I was?

You’re the first to react to my outburst.

"A-are you alright, Mikey?" You velvet eyes are filled with concern, so sincere, ever the caring friend. I can’t help the surge of hope that builds up when you [pull](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/113017308708/malum-cake-fic#) away from _him_ to move towards me, reaching out with one arm to offer your support. Maybe it’s not too late, maybe I still have a chance…?

You never told me it was over between us, although no doubt you will argue there was nothing there to start with so what could be said when it ended? You simply stopped responding, making up feeble excuses to avoid being alone with me, finding reasons why you had to share hotel-rooms with Ashton now. I think some part of me recognized what was happening, saw the long stares you  and Luke shared. I should have guessed then, should have realized I was losing you. But I still had my pride, still foolishly believed you were something I could pick up and put down on a whim.

By the time I realized the truth, you already belonged to another.

I caught you two kissing once. He kept it so chaste, hands resting innocently on your waist and lips only brushing against yours. I had wanted to laugh, was that the best he could do? It was nothing like the passionate embraces we shared and I’d felt quite sure you would come back to me in time.

The elevator dings to a stop.

Impulsively, I reach out and grab the hand you offer me, willing you to stay, my skin tingling where I feel the warmth of yours. Oh god… It’s been _so long_. Desperately, I search your chocolate eyes, hoping I’ll see some answering spark in yours that tells me I’m not alone and you feel it too. All I find is a combination of pity and sadness.

"I just want to talk for a moment," my voice is a soft whisper, pleading with you to stay like you pleaded with me so many times in the past. You are far kinder than me, so I have a better shot now than you did back then.

You stare back, unblinking and unflinching. Are you looking for a way to say no? Or are you looking for a way to say _yes_ when he is right here?

Ashton makes no comment when he walks out, leaving the three of us in the elevator. There’s that phrase again. _The three of us._

"Calum…?" _He_ sounds unsure as to whether he should leave you alone with me.

You turn to him then and immediately, I know I have lost. Because somehow, your shoulders are just a little less tense, your smile a little more genuine, and the sadness in your eyes replaced by that soft [sparkle](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/113017308708/malum-cake-fic#). When you look at him, you look like you have come home.

"I’ll just be a second," you reply, and some small, mean part of me that I am not proud of is [praying for](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/113017308708/malum-cake-fic#) him to make a mistake and refuse to let you make your own choice. 

But as usual, he is perfect. 

After a moment’s hesitation, he nods and walks out, leaving me alone with you in this small space. 

For a desperate second, I think I might be able to turn this all around. Maybe if I just pull you to me now and kiss you, maybe you will kiss back. My delusion only lasts a second. You have found your forever and that person is not me.

"Guess I should start looking for someone else to fool around with, huh?" I ask, smiling softly, fighting back the tears stinging my eyes. I still have this little bit of my pride left.

You cannot hide the surprise, or the _relief_ at my words _._ Were you expecting me to declare my love for you? I would’ve in a heart-beat if I thought it would make a difference but I know that time has come and gone. So I focus on the warmth of your smile, for once directed solely at me. “I’m happy, Mikey and I want you to be happy for me.” 

"I will be. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. But someday." 

Then I’m surprised when you lean forward and brush your lips against me, chaste but not quite platonic. It’s your way of saying goodbye and there is nothing I can do to stop you. It’s too late. 

So I try to lose myself in this moment, enjoy this last blissful taste of you, memorize the feel of your mouth, the heat of your skin, and the scent of your shampoo, try desperately to keep some part of you with me for when you walk out of this elevator and leave me behind for good. 

_I never should have let you go._

_  
I never should have let you go_

\--

 **Hi guys. Thanks for reading. If you're going to reblog on tumblr, please use[ this link](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/113017308708/malum-cake-fic)**.


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